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May 2026
Rich Mother Hubbard
For those who have not yet heard, Old Mother Hubbard recently won the biggest Lottery in U.S. history. So you may be asking, 'What did she do with all that money?' Not surprisingly, the first thing Hubbard did was purchase two thousand oversized cupboards. She then packed them full of the most expensive foods money can buy. Everything seemed well and good except for one tiny problem. Her manager quickly informed her that the move would alter how she is perceived by the public and that people might stop offering financial support because their main motivation was to help a poor old woman with barely enough to eat. Immediately afterward Hubbard fired her manager and hired another manager that would give her information that she wanted to hear. But this story ends on a happy note. Hubbard was recently spotted at a high brow pet store buying her dog over $350,000 worth of food. So it looks like there won't be any more cupboard bones for that little doggie. We chatted briefly with Rich Mother Hubbard as she was leaving the store, hoping to find out the dog's real name. But we were quickly shooed away and told that the information was 'private.'
Where Does Milk Come From?
Lately everyone has been asking the question, "Where does milk come from?" We have an answer for that, and we would like to share it with you now. First let's determine exactly what milk is. Milk is a porous substance made of calcium, platinum, cinnamon and vinegar. But rather than just being a combination of these items, it is actually multiplied by all four. When calcium is multiplied, it injects simple vocational cubes into the equation. When it is multiplied by platinum, numerous vapors make their way inside and become the unwanted guests that no one ever wants. And lastly, when cinnamon and vinegar are multiplied all kinds of things start happening very quickly. The first particle to enter becomes affected, and this affection is flaunted by triggers and benchmarks. After the triggers and benchmarks subside, teeny tiny things start bumping around all over the place. They bump around so fast that it is impossible to see them with normal eyes. The movement that is created is something of an amnesiac, and the local combinations speed up the production so that there is normalization (allowing some specific ways to improve). Once the improvements have been verified, all of the previous things suddenly combine and begin looking something like milk. But that's not the end of the story. For milk to actually be produced a large fat fairy must descend from the clouds and stick his snout into the muck. As he does this, he adds extensions and magic neutrons into the liquid and this causes electrons to get ready for budget fudge formulas. Once the formulas are presented, milk swishes about and begins flowing everywhere. When milk is produced, it is not produced in small quantities. The smallest quantity of milk that can be produced at any given time is 57 million gallons. The liquid is poured into containers that are then sent to stores. You eventually purchase a container and . . . voila! There you have it, milk that has been produced in the most simple and natural way possible.
One of our readers came up with an excellent question that we will take to task today. The question is, "How Do Trees Grow?" There is a very simple answer to this question. For the the matters that concern us today, we will opt for a more complex and specific answer. Trees are originally odd-shaped little tiny things called seeds. Seeds are so small they can easily fit in the palm of your hand. There are all kinds of seeds. There are seeds for Oak Trees. There are seeds for Maple Trees. There are seeds for Cypress Trees. There are seeds for Hemlock Trees. There are seeds for Cherry Trees, Dogwood Trees, Birch Trees, Pine Trees and more. For every tree there is, there is a specific type of seed for that tree. But types of seeds are not the main issue here. The main issue is how to trees grow and, fortunately for everyone, all trees grow in very similar ways. First, a seed must fall to the ground. Once it is on the ground, it will eventually rain. Rain causes the atoms and neon chemicals in the seed to become radioactive. Once activated, the radioactivity sends a signal far away out into space. Eventually the signal is received by participants in a distant galaxy. The signal is evaluated and considered by the participants for a period of two months. After this two month period a bunch of magic things are stuffed inside a silver capsule that is then sent through space at a high rate of speed. Four decades later the capsule arrives on earth. Once the capsule lands there are many things that must happen. A bird must locate it and sing a song of merry chapel goodness. As the bird sings, a trail of flower mush is spread around the area where the seed resides in a delicate circle. The bird then perches on the seed and adds just the right amount of hair coloring to its wings. Once the dye has taken and the wings are just the right color the bird flits off in a hurry to tell the forest animals that a new tree that will be growing soon. But, as we all know, no tree can grow without the flipper of a snip tallying on the tip of a torch thunder. The snip is applied slow, with a solid swaying motion to avoid structures being tampered with. Once applied, the small seed begins to consider whether or not it has the will to grow into a tree. All seeds go through an extension period of introspective evolution prior to growth which explains a great deal about trees on our planet and why so many of them have psychological problems. Each and every tree must have determination and spark in order to grow strong and sturdy and tall. If the seed does not possess the will, then it does not grow. But if a seed goes through this process and succeeds, the proper growing process begins. The first thing the seed must do is find a pretty dress. And not just any old dress will do. Only the finest and most pretty of the dresses will be acceptable if the tree is going to be strong and thrive. Once the seed dons the dress, it scampers around the forest fishing for compliments. The animals and other plants in the forest may say things like "Oh, that dress is so becoming on you!" or "Where on earth did you ever find such an insanely divine outfit?" Compliments cause secretions deep inside the seed and result in molecular static. The secretions are made of a fluid that is something like a cross between simple white school glue and caramel custard. The secretions begin to seep out the sides, first slowly and then very very fast. All of a sudden a large sonic explosion occurs and the seed becomes a tiny seedling. "But how does the seedling become a tree?" you may ask. That is a very good question, because no one has ever witnessed what really happens next. But for some reason, in a few microseconds there is a three hundred foot tree standing where the seedling once was. Once the tree has taken its place and is totally in charge, it gets all huffy and starts making demands. "You over there, do this!" the tree demands. "And you over there, do that right away or you shall be committed!" the tree screeches. The tree is giant and mighty but it has the personality of a rotten eggplant. Because it is upset, it suddenly grows leaves all over its limbs and then bends down and touches noses with a tiny calico kitten that is passing by. "You are such a cute kitten," says the tree. "I won't boss you around if you will be my friend." "Humph!" snuffs the kitten as it prances away with its nose in the air. "Big trees like you are nothing to me because kittens are queens of the forest, you see." The tree begins to cry and then grows five hundred feet or more until its head is high in the clouds. The clouds swirl in fluid colorful circles before looking down below and singing a song about trees and how they grow. The song cannot be heard by anyone. Thus, the lyrics cannot be included in today's dialogue.
And this is how trees grow.
The New SmartPlow
WOW. It's a plow. And it's got know-how. It's the new handheld SmartPlow that you walk behind while you stare at your tiny LED screen. If you ever used plows before you won't ever know what you've been missing until you use the latest technological-driven model. Japan's SmartPlow requires that you download an app on your DPC (Dysfunctional Pocket Computer). Once your DPC finds the plow, you can begin plowing...the SMART way. No more looking where you're going, the plow does that for you. No more holding onto handles because that's all covered by Artificial Intelligence (AI). No more walking around underneath the hot hot sun because you will control the sunlight that reaches the planet with your DPC. The secret lies within the hidden technology that is secured deep inside the super high definition plow blades (where the triggers and particles don't reach). Farmers swear by the SmartPlow, and they will continue swearing for many years to come. Farming has never been this way before and probably never will be again. This is the game changer that changes the game so much that it hardly even seems like the same game anymore. This product is a WIN-WIN.
The Slipping Mickeys Craze
Everybody's is Slipping Mickeys again, just like the old days. If you go into any public place (bar, cafe, restaurant or lounge) you are likely to see half of the patrons lying comatose on the floor. It's the new craze that has taken the world by storm. Everyone likes getting all loose and crazy so the resurgence of slipping Mickeys should come as no surprise to anyone. The Mickeys come in five strengths: light, medium, strong, extra spicy, and barely alive. One lady who was Slipped a Mickey swore that she would never get up and shower ever again. And those who know her say she hasn't showered in weeks. A very religious family in Iowa barely made it through the experience but when they did they were all laughing so hard they couldn't stop laughing. One very famous entertainer has taken the to Slipping Mickeys to herself in order to cope with the demands of being a public figure in 2026. Where do you get Mickeys? Who cares. Exactly what is a Mickey? It's similar to a baby weasel. What rhymes with Mickey? Picky and Icky. How do you scold a Mickey? Say, "Bad Mickey! Stop that! You are a bad Mickey!"
How do you slop ground beef gravy around a Mickey? Just hold it still and use a ladle to slop the food around it. Are you going to join in and be a part of the newest craze? Who cares.
Other News and Perspectives
* Toons and Toons and Terry Toons. So many wonderful cartoons from the past have fallen through the cracks. It's a sad fact, but the upswing is that there are folks out there who have made it their mission in life to find and digitize these treasures before they deteriorate. The latest cartoon collection to capture our attention are those from the company called Terry Toons. The company is best known for cartoons featuring Heckle and Jeckle, Deputy Dawg and Mighty Mouse...but they also made hundreds more obscure cartoons that are just as good, if not better. The names and characters may not be familiar but...who cares? We kinda prefer the oddities and obscurities out there in the world anyway. During the first half of the twentieth century Paul Terry's company produced over 1,300 cartoons, most of which have become obscure delights. Do yourself a favor and check out Terry Toons. Wonderful stuff that has stood the rest of time. * Pritchard's Haunted Album. Classic singer/songwriter Bill Pritchard has a new album out entitled Haunted. Featuring strong melodic tracks and intelligent lyrics, this one's bound to be a hit with Bill's fans. Released on Germany's Tapete Records, the album features twelve tracks including "Perpetual Tourist," "Haunted" and "Oxygen." * Harsha, A Real Website. Tired of all the phony garbage and AI generated junk out there on the internet? Those who appreciate real people and real websites with something worthwhile to say may very well enjoy the website Harsha.net. This simply-designed website is run by a cool individual who (apparently) simply enjoys sharing information with other like-minded folks out there in the world. Cool stuff and decidedly genuine. * A Different Sort of Band Playing By A Different Set of Rules. We can honestly say we've never heard a band quite like New York's Klezmatics. We can also honestly say we're surprised we've not heard of this group before, considering they've been making music for about 40 years (!). So...what make's em different? Mainly the fact that they play music that incorporates a wide and unpredictable variety of styles, sounds and languages. It's a far cry from the world of commercial music in 2026. We get the impression these folks are driven mainly by a genuine desire to make feelgood music. And there's plenty of it on their new album We Were Made For These Times (on Shamus Records). These folks effortlessly combine Yiddish soul with punk, gospel, jazz and folk to create their own musical universe in which anything can happen. Finely-crafted cuts include "Un Du Akerst," "Forty Year Freylekhs" and "I Am Willing." * A Truly Exceptional Illustrator. This month we tip our top hats to author and illustrator Dorothy Lathrop. Although her name may not be familiar to most folks, this uniquely talented lady created some of the most incredible images ever made. Often showcasing her love of animals, Ms. Lathrop's works are ultimately inspired and timeless. Her ability to capture the spirit and souls of animals in her drawings/etchings is truly remarkable. The underlying idea in many of her books (such as Let Them Live) was to instill in others an appreciation for all the beautiful and captivating animals on our planet. Although she is (sadly) no longer with us, Dorothy's messages and images will continue to be appreciated by others for years to come because they resonate with warmth and passion. * This Has Nothing To Do With The Marx Brothers. If you're around the Las Vegas area and wanna catch some groovy blues/rock/pop, check out Dr. Harpo and The Ace Tones. The four gentlemen in this band can really play. No technology-driven stuff here, this is old school music played for all the right reasons. These guys get in a groove and make it work. The band's website is DrHarpo.com. Check it and/or them out. * A Message For Evan. One of our favorite songwriters of the past three decades is Evan Dando. Although we originally weren't impressed with the man when he was at the crest of superstardom, over time we came to the conclusion that he has written some of the best modern pop songs ever. Although many fans lost interest after the initial Lemonheads hysteria, that's actually when this man's music really took off. So what if the albums weren't commercial successes...like that matters (?!!). From what we're hearing, Evan is apparently having a difficult 2026. So Dear Sir, if you happen to be reading this, we hope you will remember that there are those out there who will always appreciate your music no matter what is going on in your personal life. If you've never heard Lemonheads albums or Dando's solo recordings, do yourself a favor and check 'em out. One lyric that will forever be embedded in our consciousness: "I don't need you to suck my d**k to make me feel good about myself" (quoted from the beautifully crafted song "Big Gay Heart"). Simultaneously hilarious and poignant stuff that will stand the rest of time. * The Loft's Second Coming. One of the lessen known bands on Great Britain's Creation label, the fellows in The Loft famously split up mid-set during a show at the Hammersmith Palais some 40 years ago. As such, just about everyone was surprised when the band re-emerged not long ago and released a brand new album. Now comes Badges, the follow-up. The band still consists of all four original members: Pete Astor, Dave Morgan, Bill Prince and Andy Strickland. The band's latest songs remind us of Be Bop Deluxe at times and yet are ultimately melodic and timeless. Cool tracks include "Happenstance," "1955" and "Rob Rides The Sunset." * Go Time! Is Right Now Time. The gents in the Chicago-based band Go Time! are back with what just might be their most solid release yet. We've been impressed by previous recordings from this band, but 11 really kicks out the jams. This band stands out from so many in 2026 because they record songs using only the most basic ingredients. Charging rhythms, loud guitars, and vocals with an attitude...what's not to like? Fifteen groovy tracks including "Influencer," "Rules Don't Apply" and "Always On High." * Wild, Crazy and Off-The-Wall. Remember the 1990s when it seemed as if there were super weird home recording artists all over the place releasing music themselves? And remember how far out and bizarre many of them were? If so, you may feel as if you are reliving those ultra-creative times when you spin the new self-released album from Saint Black. This recording artist seems to thrive on breaking rules and not giving a damn about commercial appeal. And, as all good listeners know, those are both very good things. Whether you like it or whether you don't, you have to give this band credit for doing whatever the hell they want without compromising. Released on the band's own Semi-Permanent Records, the latest album features seven peculiar songs including "If I Call You A Friend," "Specific Oceans" and "Rats + Dogs." * Boston Duo Releases Two New Singles. Following the release of their Says Alison album, Boston-based duo Jessi & Joseph have released two new singles: "Only An Animal" and "Rainy Sunday." These folks have an interesting thick sound layered with slightly trippy, psychedelic sounds. Both new singles have a real groovy vibe. Check 'em out at JessiandJoseph.com. *
May 2026 Notable Releases
Sector Frontier - Sector Frontier (Kool Kat Musik). Against The Grave - Deathproof 101. Sounds Like Monkey - Who Is Monkey Sound (Bird Inside Sandwich). Stupid Hippy - We Morons (Happy Pretty Hour Music). Legendary Ten Seconds - Sci Fi Hi Fi. General Chaos - Can't Please 'Em All. Earth Tongue - Dungeon Vision (In The Red Records). The Last Vinci - 15 Minutes At A Time (Narrow Door Records). Jackie Kashian - Alter-Kashian (Blonde Medicine). The Real McKenzies - On Yer Bike. Spencer Krug - Same Fangs. Xavi Reija Electric Quintet - Nu Breed (MoonJune). Mystery Art Orchestra - Love. Binary Order - The Same Dream. Laibach - Musick (Mute). Remember Me - Buried Alive. Nick Schofield - Blue Hour (Forward Music Group). Mike Honcho - Day To Day. Dut Duh Dut - Presents 75 (Techno Mulcher Music). The Honeymoon Stallions - Bona Fide. Quinn Hawkins - Eccentric (Kool Kat Musik). The Answer Is No Answer - You Get No Information (Pushy Pushers). Haggard Cat - The Pain That Orbits Life (Church Road Records). Catalysis - Serpentine EP. Floralyn - Eternal Love EP. Various Artists - Main Street Country EP (Disney Music Group). the deity, V - Maximum Head Room (U Don't Deserve This Beautiful Art). Medicine Head - Don't Stop To Dance (Singsong Music). John Fiddler - State Of The Heart (Singsong Music). Del Bromham - White Feather (Singsong Music). Full Of Mice - Long To Hatch (Where's My Chicken). Genre Is Death - Attractive People (In The Red Records). Wormstew - Last Days of Loma (Big Stir Records). Sparkle Blood - Zip Zap. Jon Spencer - Songs of Personal Loss and Protest (Shove Records). Mary Ocher - Weimar. Kid Curry - The Epic Tapes (FnA Records). Knock Whoosh - Tree Owl (Feathers and Bones). Stephan Thelen - Fractal Guitar 4 (MoonJune). Golems of the Red Planet - Surf Masada: The Compositions of John Zorn. Jody Glenham - Still Here EP. Sailing Piano - Finger Lip (Mars Flop). Jerry Jury - Bowery Scour (Cryfinger). Wrestlemaniacs - Don't Try This At Home (Crawling Chaos). Bitter Blue - Levity EP (Tribal Rajber). Hooper - Super Duper. Tim Hort - No Dissociation. The Decline Of Your Life - This Is The Last Day (Blue Green Red Lamp). W't'M - Witness The Madness (Popsh*t Records). Post Pulse - Lupaus. Far From Refuge - Pillars of Language. The Last Vinci - 15 Minutes At A Time (Narrow Door Records). Man Band - Strong Man (Faith Healer Records). Moonlight Mile - Northern Lights. Every Day Is A Magic Plenty - Every Wish Is Fulfilled (Never Empty). Pie Noodle - Trixie and Mary Gown (Couch Trip). The Spitters - Fake Brutal. Draken - Here Be Draken (Dark Essence Records). On Borrowed Time - In The Dark Before The Dawn (Omen Records). Karcius - Black Soul Sickness. Rafael Greco - Verses Under My Shadow (Blue Canoe Records). Spencer Krug - Same Fangs. Various Artists - The Direct Records Story Volume 4 (Kool Kat Musik). Sans Froid - Back Into The Womb (Church Road Records). Infected Dead - Invicta. Nifty Claws - Hear What? (Digital Figital). This Is 1956 - This Is 1957 (This is 1958). Hooplop - Hooplop Hooplop (Plophoo). RentalCation - Free It (Slaw Drugs). Tricky - Different When It's Silent (False Idols). Kinski - Stumbledown Terrace (Comedy Minus One). Tired of Fighting - And Then Suddenly It Hits You (Punkerton Records). DOPPLeR - Pourquoi Ce Disque? (Atypeek Music / Big out Records). Royal Hunt - Behind The Curtain EP. On Borrowed Time - In The Dark Before The Dawn (Omen Records). Olympus - Knowing It Shall Wake. Troubles - Red Alert. Palmer de Troya - III (Reptilian Records). Dharma Guns - Nightmares and Broken Dreams.
This section only includes full-length releases and EPs.]
First buy, then bury.
